The Road to Motherhood

For the Moms tomorrow!  Not every road to becoming a mom is the same but I hope today as you look back on your road, you can celebrate the hope, courage, strength, and love that you pave everyday.  Happy Mother’s Day!!

Here is a love letter to my daughter that I wrote in my Friday night writes group led by Diana Vitantonio and I wanted to share.  Motherhood is one word but encompasses so many.  So to all those who “mother” may you reflect on your story or stories today and be proud of this work.   May this find you well.

A first time:

The first time I saw your eyes…..I had no idea what the windy road journey would entail to get me to you but one thing I was always sure of, was that I dreamed of you from the start.  I remember being around 11 and telling my mom that when I grew up I was going to have a girl so I could braid her hair and take her shopping.  I said even if I don’t get married, I will adopt a little girl.  I always had a plan B.

My life started down one narrow road and I never ventured off.  I went to college. I got a job.  I met a boy. I fell in love.  I walked down the aisle in a white dress and danced the night away with friends and family.  The next stop on this road was to have a baby but instead I got cancer.  I remember the fear when I asked the doc about my chances and my fertility.  I remember the tears – all of them.  And for a short time, I had to let go of you.  I had something bigger to fight for.  But I kept you in a certain piece of my being as if you were a teenie tiny little star in the sky that I caught a beautiful glimpse of now and again.  When I spent time in this space, anything was possible.  I began to notice that the more I let go, the more I lived.  And the more I lived, the more I felt whole.

A few years later, I took a test that confirmed that a life was growing inside of me.  Not only had I been blessed with a new life but now I was growing one.  I loved you and your home inside me better because of cancer and I am thankful for that, even though sometimes the fear is real as well.  I couldn’t help but think this was part of some larger plan by God or the powers above all along.

I talked to you ALL the time.  I read to you.  Some children’s stories and some articles out of Oprah magazine as well.  And my hand was never far from your being if I was at rest.  I knew the entire time that you were a girl except for three weeks your Daddy tried to convince me you were a boy but I quickly got back on the girl train.

And I’ll never forget that moment, that first sight, you were laid on my belly close to the exact spot of your first home and you looked up at me.  I will never forget this.  Your eyes looked wise despite your size and Kirabelle, you have taught me more about life and living WELL, than you will ever know.

 

 

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